Why (Most) Nice Guys Finish Last
  • Posted Nov 6, 2012
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Contrary to popular belief, nice guys don’t always finish last. And contrary to cultural belief, there is no such thing as being “too nice.”

So why is it that women complain that chivalry is dead, yet continuously go after the jerk?

It’s simple: jerks embrace their manhood. They are dominant, unpredictable, and challenging. This is exactly what attracts many unsuspecting women. Many nice guys, to their demise, have tried and failed to attract women (knowingly or unknowingly) through their submissive behavior.

So how can you be a nice guy minus finishing last or turning into a jerk?

Shed the following submissive habits and you will be attracting more women than you can handle:

1.) You’re Too Agreeable
If a woman shares a strong opinion, don’t blindly agree in hopes of gaining approval. The biggest mistake a nice guy can make is turning into a “Yes” man and becoming overly gratifying. These types of men create relationships that lack tension, become boring, and go stale fast. So next time you disagree with a woman, challenge her perspective and prove that you think independently. This adds intrigue to the exchange and piques her interest.

2.) You’re Too Available
Find a happy medium between both your schedules. If you’re always available at a moment’s notice, a woman will only see you as a friend. Now this doesn’t warrant becoming sketchy and undependable. Rather, show that you lead an independent lifestyle. Show that you have alternative options, yet prioritized her over other women. This makes her feel valued and special. The more you abide by her rules and accommodate to her wishes, the more you will be viewed as a doormat rather than a lover.

3.) You’re Too Subdued
Nothing is more unattractive than a man without a backbone. Never feel so intimidated by a woman that you willingly give her full control. A common misconception by nice guys is that completely prioritizing a woman over themselves will create a spark. And they couldn’t be more wrong. This not only eliminates any chance for attraction, but also makes a guy lose sight of his manhood. Women are naturally attracted to a man that leads—plain and simple. Next time you’re out, take control of the situation and lead confidently. Nothing is more manly than a gentleman who caters, not consents to a woman.

27 Responses to “Why (Most) Nice Guys Finish Last”

  1. Leroy says:

    All personalities and perspectives are welcome in this blog, while personal attacks and name calling are not. It’s inevitable that there will be disagreements, but let’s handle it as mature adults with class to keep the dialog constructive and respectful. Please refer to “Blog Etiquette” on WhatsYourPrice blog for more details.

  2. Marie says:

    I think this post is far too sexist. We don’t go after jerks because they’re “manly”. We go after jerks because they at least make it known what they are after. “Nice guys” these days do and say nice things in order to have sex just magically fall into their laps. This is why so called “nice guys” finish last. They villanize us for saying yes(by calling us sluts) and villanize us for saying no(by calling us frigid bitches that friendzoned them). For some women, there’s no such thing as being too available. Some women like having full control. Some women like their men agreeable. It’s unfair to generalize and villanize all of us for the shortcomings of some men. In the end it all boils down to personal preference. What do both the men and women have in common and so on.

  3. betty says:

    I love an agreeable man and they love me. They will come out and ask me if i am bossy. I let them know i am. It is a match for me.

  4. Magno says:

    The more I see these blogs, the more I am inclined to think the topics are targeted for the teenage demographic in mind.

    The ‘nice guys finish last’ mantra? Seriously? What are we, in high school?

  5. Geoff says:

    This post is definitely not coming from a sexist point of view. It has nothing to do with villanizing woman for what they are truly looking to find. It’s pointing out that there are things that a genuine “Nice Guy” can do to change from being “Too Nice” which is a signal to women that he is not showing his true colors and he isn’t “real”, he’s too good to be true basically. So everything is scrutinized much more closely. On the other hand, I disagree with the idea that some “Nice Guys” ever really win… “Pleasant Guys” are the “Nice Guys” that demonstrate the confidence, independence, leadership and strength of their convictions without being patronizing or simply being a “Yes Man”… these would be the men that are the actual winners in the “Nice Guy” arena. They are strong enough to say what they want without being a “Jerk” or “Too Nice”. They listen to what the woman has to say, what she feels at the moment, respects those feelings but is willing to offer alternatives, different perspectives on a given subject without disrespecting anyone. He may very well agree with the woman and he also may disagree, he has his own mind. Now that being said, the woman in many cases is under the mistaken belief that she can “change” the “Jerk” into the “Nice Guy” she says she wants. Here’s a clue… That will never happen, EVER… The only way anyone will change is because they truly want to and are willing to work towards that end. The “Jerk” doesn’t need to change, he just moves to the next woman in line. Women do “Friend Zone” guys that are nice to them, are “Yes Men”, have no backbone, are too available, they don’t see them as a viable mate, it’s not sexist, it’s a law of nature down deep in a woman’s subconscious mind, the telltales show up in the body language, the tone of voice, in his actions, if he’s perceived to be too nice and friend material only, a shopping buddy or someone to just hang out with that’s when the “Friend Zone” opens and swallows him whole. It is not the short comings of men, one gender is not responsible, it’s both. Men believe what women say they want so they change themselves to become that person. Yet women usually go for the “Jerk” for the reasons in this article. The “Nice Guy” can never get to the part where both the men and women have in common to develop a relationship. I used to be a “Nice Guy”, now I’m a “Pleasant Man”

  6. bobby the k says:

    I think for a lot of nice guys like myself, inexperience is the culprit. And unfortunately, a lot of nice guys don’t get opportunities to date women they find extremely attractive. Slowly, through dating on this site, I’m learning how to look at a woman without appearing needy, to show confidence without arrogance, and to treat her like a lady without appearing subdued. It’s taken a while and a lot of bad mistakes, but every time I’m getting better and better.

  7. Plzbelieveme says:

    Whatever, Id rather be a nice guy, then some loser who cheats on a girl over and over again, Ive seen that with my sister, her BF cheats on her, at least a girl Im dating knows that I wont do that. Id rather be a nice guy with money, then a some asshole, who cant buy car, or anything nice for a girl.

  8. Plzbelieveme says:

    Nice guys have good fundamentals for long term stability, and wont go out of their way to fuk over people, thats why Women like them.

  9. betty says:

    The problem is….nice guys are trying to date girls out of their league and then blame it on being to nice. If you are a 5 in looks then date a 5 or less. Leave the 9 ‘s and 10′s to date each other. You never hear them complain because they are on the same level. Simple really.

  10. bobby the k says:

    That’s a great point Betty.

  11. Lore says:

    I agree with Betty, 5′s need to date 5′s. There are rare exceptions but in general it’s a good rule. And for the record I like a nice guy, nothing is hotter than the guy being a nice guy by day and then turn into the take control guy in the bedroom. Mmmmm

  12. sunnygirl2425 says:

    I understand that my question will be tangentially related to this blog posting, at best, but I cannot find another place to have it answered. What exactly is the purpose of winking? Specifically, I just made a profile a few days ago and received a “wink” from a gentleman far, far away from where I live (he is in Pasadena/Los Angeles and I am in the Oakland/San Francisco area). I can’t imagine what a reasonable offer would be to make, considering traveling the distance alone is expensive.

    Why would someone so far away wink at me? I am an attractive 25 year old woman, a full time graduate student AND I work 20+ hours a week in non-profit. I simply don’t have the time or funds to travel for a date in LA. But regardless of this specific example, when a generous man winks at you what is an appropriate offer/request to meet? I just want some coffee and a nice man to talk to for goodness sake!

    I haven’t given this site much time to work but is there hope to be had? My time is precious because I am focused on academia right now, but it sure would be nice to chat with someone who isn’t, say, reading the same psychoanalytic theory books I am.

  13. maddy says:

    GOOD ? Sunny!!! What’s the right price without the male expecting expecting ‘something’ in return?? Help the new girls!!!

  14. betty says:

    Mark not willing to travel on your profile. Chances are he will be in your area. Ask for 300.00~ keep in mind the dangers of meeting a stranger. If something goes wrong do you want the new report to be that you tried to meet a stranger for 50.00? People would understand more if it was 300.00 but 50.00 you would be scorned and looked at like a silly fool who deserves danger.

  15. Magno says:

    I ignore winks. If someone has an interest in becoming acquainted, they will tender an offer.

  16. Magno says:

    The only problem with the idea that men who are 5′s, should ask out women they think are 5′s is, many women who are 5′s think they are 7 or 8′s because they are pretty, or relatively cute. One of my lady friends expressed an interest in one of my male friends, and wanted me to introduce her to him. I hemmed and hawed, trying to be diplomatic and not hurt her feelings, but eventually told her…..basically, that he was out if her league. This lady friend is about an 8.5 in the face, and about a 5.5 in the body. I know my guy friend would rather date the opposite because when the lights are turned off, it’s not the face that is the main attraction.

    Anyway, I ended up appeasing her and made the introductoon. It went about as bad as I expected. The next day, my guy friend asked me ‘why did you do that to me’? Meanwhile, my lady friend was puzzled why she ‘got nothing’ out of my guy friend….she engaged with him, flirted, and gave him green light signals, all the while, he just wanted to excuse himself graciously without being rude.

    Unfortunately, this happened to me, as well. A woman from the social circle I am in expressed an interest in me. I told my lady friend….umm, no thanks. My lady friend said “why, she’s really pretty!!” I said, yes…. And also 30 lbs overwight. Sorry.

    So, it happens for both genders. People, bith men and women, often don’t know they are 5′s.

    Its a bummer, but it happens.

    I think I am an 8 in face, and an in body, but every woman has different interpretations in what an 8 is in a male.

    There is no easy answer or formula, so you can’t make a blanket statement that people that are 5′s shoukd date other 5′s.

  17. chris says:

    We are more handsome to ourselves then we are to each other. I did a search for you mango and an 8 is pushing it bro!

  18. Magno says:

    Chris,

    It depends on the demographic. To women in their 40′s and 50′s, I do alright for myself.

    Don’t need to compete with the young turk I was when I was 25.

  19. Sammy says:

    I wanted to comment on the looks part of this. If a guy or girl is a 5 why should they settle for a 5 of the opposite sex? Why not at least try to go above what is the norm or reg for you? I personally see myself as an 8 or 9. Yes, I am no young thing anymore but I’m proud to be 41 and look as good as I look. My personality and how I make who I am with feel is what sets me apart from most others my age and younger. In my opinion, go for what you want, don’t let anyone tell you that you are worth it!! I don’t give “jerks” or “bad guys” a second thought. But I do agree there is such a thing as too nice. Go ahead and agree with me, but please have your own opinion on some things. I love being in control but its also nice to relinquish that every once in awhile.

    Just my $.02— only voicing my opinion, which shouldn’t mean too much to others ;-)

  20. CooPerson says:

    Main ultimate reason you’ve got nice guys finishing last is because of all the posers.

    Next time a woman rejects you or denies you what you’re after… don’t whine and comfort yourself with a “I’m a nice guy and these women just don’t give me a chance” delusional conviction. -Yes it feels good to tell yourself that it’s not your fault, but you’re blaming wrong person, wrong gender. You’re fellow man is ruining your chances. Either through the women’s insecurity to invite in a repitition of the same bs routine she’s become familair too. Or a woman’s intolerance to mindgames.

    We don’t all have time to waste investing in a relationship where a man ends up changing his mind and leaving because in the end he was only a ‘momentairy nice guy just to get something he wants from you’.

    Also some of the ‘nice guy’ posers use the excuse of viewing themselves as nice as a way out of addressing what is wrong with them… -if they lack respect for females -if they’re neglectful -if they have anger issues, so instead of acknowledging these issues of theirs.. and beginning to improve.. they remain in denial and convince themselves that they are nice.

    A -real- -true- nice guy… doesn’t need to claim that he is nice because all the women and men in his life make that claim for him.

  21. Can't remember what name I was here says:

    It’s been a while since I posted but I’m enjoying the comments.

    Real nice guys are truly nice. The ones that tell everyone that they are “nice guys” and that women don’t give them a chance are generally not deemed attractive to the women they desire. What it boils down to is if you’re being nice to get something than you aren’t truly nice at all. Kindness should be apart of who you are without expecting anything in return. Also the dreaded “friend zone” is where many men place themselves when dealing with attractive women. It’s better to be in her life instead a stranger on the outside. The plan is to get her to fall for his amazing personality but this backfires when she’s asking him to pick our her nail polish. When he gets tired of the friend zone he’ll usually blame her failed relationships on that fact that she hasn’t chosen him. Now this friendship dies a horrible death and the woman is wondering how could she have lost her best friend?

    If the guy was smart he would get tips on how to improve on his visual appearance while hanging out in the friend zone. If she likes guys that work out and you’re sitting being the latest game console then yes you’re just packing on the pounds. Get to the gym or be her gym buddy. If she gets her eyebrows shaped then ask her where to go to get rid of your unibrow. If you’re wearing the same run down shoes from high school then pass up Assassin’s Creed 3 and get a new pair of shoes.

    Any guy claiming to be a “nice guy” should be avoided at all costs. Also the “lets be friends” after he’s hit on you? Never works out. He’ll eventually push for more and that’s an ugly way to loose a friend that really wasn’t one to begin with. A guy doesn’t have to be a doormat either. I’ve heard guys complaining about picking a female friend up from a bad date yet for their male friend it’s not an issue. Why? Well he had plans to date the female friend and never wanted to be “just friends”. If you like a woman and she turns you down move on. Don’t accept the ” well we can be friends” speech. Many women including I have done it only because I didn’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. It’s awkward turning someone down and my heart does go out to guys that are usually the ones to make an approach. Personally I’ve never had to but it must be nerve racking for men.

    Still in many cases the guy was more so interested in “scoring” than getting to know me as a person. It was so obvious that it was a complete turn off.

  22. Inga says:

    I would say I am a 10 ;) and I only want to be with a nice guy who is kind, loving, adores me and treats me very well and never even think of cheating! ;) Of course I have to be attracted to him physically, so he has to have basics of my type.. he has to be cute in my eyes.. I dont care if other people rate him 5! I am not looking for over confident man or a an arrogant jerk who is going to compete with me in looks department and who is full of himself.

  23. Jacqui says:

    I think Betty is on to something. I love nice guys. I certainly don’t like jerks and I resent being labeled as such. Sorry this is long but bear with me. The problem is maybe the types of guys who I have nothing in common with or have no sex appeal or experience are SO nice but really what do we have in common? Nothing, and then I look or feel like a jerk for not being attracted to the guy who was so nice. I’ve met hot guys who were nice and turned out to be jerks because they lied. That does not mean I like jerks.

    I have been a model and actress my whole life. I’m also a dancer and an athlete. I also practice yoga and am very health conscious. I want a guy who is a good match for me. A good sexual relationship is really important to me, and if the guy is not attractive, just does the same short haircut, slacks, belt and button down shirt like every other guy especially if he’s out of shape it’s hard to have chemistry. To be honest I can’t even tell most men apart anymore especially if they work in an office. We come from totally different worlds. Model type guys, guys with style and personality, athletes, actors often have too many women throwing themselves at them so I stay away from them if they are not nice or mature. I also like a guy who can protect me either verbally in social settings or physically. Most times I feel I would have a better chance of protecting us and I’m a tiny thing. No more boy scouts I want a man. Often times I find really nice guys but they worry a lot and have lost their spontaneity To me life is an adventure and to them I am a novelty they are trying to obtain. That’s also not going to work. I don’t like feeling like someone’s goal if they don’t even get who I am and can find common ground. I feel like a lot of guys who are unattractive, can’t defend themselves on the street or have been in the office their whole lives and out of shape, make up for it by being “nice” which is fine but not the real chemistry.

    We all want that exciting partner that is beautiful to look at. Even though I have flaws, I feel that I do bring that to the relationship. It’s an art that I’m interested in sharing with someone. My biggest pet peeve is guys who have no interest in being sexy. I’m not looking for a buddy or someone to do a job for hire. I’m looking for a mate. Someone who is in touch with their sexuality and sensuality in a healthy way so we can create something a shared experience. That’s the difference between finding a friend and a husband is the chemistry. I’ve dated ugly guys that were totally hot! Why is that? They were comfortable being outdoors guys and with their animalistic nature. After all humans are animals. I love that. lets me be free to be myself.

  24. Jacqui says:

    Also, has anyone read Why Men Like Bitches? From Doormat to Dreamgirl It’s an interesting read and give a lot of insight into why it seems men are attracted to some of the more difficult types of women instead of the so called “nice” ones. It’s the kind of information, if you are good at imagining reverse scenarios and understanding people, will also help you understand why they say nice guys finnish last. Although obviously different, underlying the sexes, it’s for very similar reasons that this theme appears so often throughout relationships.

  25. Dickyzz says:

    I was the worst kind of nice guy when younger. I became friends with women when I wanted more but was too timid to act on it. It was a big lie and it took me a lot of soul searching to finally admit it. Now I’m doing great,but not as a nice guy, but as a decent man. Big difference. I have self confidence, self respect, and principles I won’t compromise. I’m not afraid to call women on their BS and never tolerate bad behavior. I’m 20 years older now, so not as physically attractive, but I’m ten times more successful with women.

    Being a nice guy was just my internal excuse for not having the guts to be honest about my intentions. It’s ok to want to get to know a woman just because she is hot, it’s ok to just want sex… As long as you own it and live with the consequences.

    So be a decent man, treat women well, but have the backbone to expect to be treated well in return.

  26. Hey guys listen, you need to take the chance that you’ll make us feel uncomfortable but do it anyway…you may get rejected, but okay, we all get rejected at some time or another. but better try ;)

  27. Athirson says:

    “Why Nice Guys Finish Last” is the wrong question. Simply accept the fact that it is so; the divorce rate is all the empirical data one needs to cite to prove that it is so.

    So, understand that fact and work with it. You can either stop being so nice or find another way to compensate. Figure out the aspects of the sociopath’s behavior, the type that gets him chicks, that fit your style, and incorporate them into your own. In addition to that, you can work on improving your status, power, and $. But ultimately you will find that the same attributes–being just ruthless enough–will enable you to do better with women and enhance your career. Good luck

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