Hol•i•date /ˈhäləˌdāt/ n.
1. A romantic meetup that happens in the weeks between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day.
2. An unprecedented opportunity for FAIL in front of family, friends, and romantic partner.
It’s that December Twilight Zone time during which the men are separated from the boys (and women from girls) when it comes to holiday commitment. Do you wear ugly sweaters, whether ironically or not? Do you string colored lights in your cubicle? And, most importantly, do you bring a little Christmas—right this very minute—into your “holidates,” those meetups that happen in the month before New Year’s?
We here at WhatsYourPrice look to make your season bright with dating data. Use the handy quiz below to see where you fall on the holiday dating spectrum from “Fa La La” to “Bah! Humbug.”
1. You’re in the car driving to dinner with your date. “Carol of the Bells” [“Merrymerrymerry Christmas”] comes on the radio. Do you:
a. Hum along with it
b. Sing along with it
c. Surreptitiously check your date for “tells” and copy what s/he seems to be about to do
d. Chuck the radio out the window at a soot-covered orphan (if available)
2. At dinner your date says, without irony, that deep down s/he “really does believe in Santa Claus.” Do you:
a. Get misty-eyed and say, “You have such a pure and loving heart.”
b. Chuckle warmly and say, “Christmas time brings out the child in all of us.”
c. Make your jaw drop and say, “Me, too!”
d. Snicker and say, “Yes, Virginia, there is a gullible moron.”
3. After dinner, you go driving to see the lights and sights in a decorated neighborhood. Do you:
a. Comment on how impressive the displays are, pointing out each new scene
b. Look at your date in the glow of the lights and comment on how she seems to glow or how he looks (even more) handsome
c. Chime in with an agreeing comment when your date expresses an opinion
d. Comment sarcastically about how glad you are that poverty and hunger must be all better now that people have spent thousands of dollars and man-hours on fancy displays for strangers to look at as they drive by.
4. Then you go to the mall to do a little shopping. While at a store that sells Christmas decorations, do you:
a. Confess that you do most of your ornament shopping in July, when Hallmark releases its year’s selection of new ornaments
b. Pick out and show your date the silliest new ornaments, then put special emphasis on one that says “Our First Christmas Together”
c. Watch to see which decorations s/he seems to like, then hunt quickly for similar stuff to impress your date
d. Tell the story of how your beloved cat ate tinsel one year and died horribly in front of everybody.
5. Walking by the mall Santa setup with kids and parents in line, your date says, “One Christmas Eve, I actually did see Mommy kissing Santa Claus.” Do you:
a. Laugh and say, “St. Nick! That old rascal! Your mom must be a looker.”
b. Smile and say, “Well, Mrs. Claus is very understanding of Christmas joy.”
c. Say nothing. Simply look into her eyes and smile with warmth and understanding.
d. Tell her, “I’m with ya. One year I saw my Mom giving a handjob to the Easter Bunny.”
6. On the ride home, you see a lit menorah in a window. Do you:
a. Talk about Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa really being the expression of the unity of religious belief and cultural acceptance
b. Point it out with a smile and remark that Hanukkah is a precious time for some people, even if it’s not really at the level of Christmas
c. Avoid mentioning it, because for all you know, your date could be Jewish
d. Say, “Pfft, ‘Hanukkah.’ ‘Kwanzaa.’ Everybody wants summa dat sweet Christmas cheddar.”
7. At your place, you and your date get comfy on the couch and the TV is switched on. What do you hope is on?
a. Santa Claus Is Coming To Town
b. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
c. Whatever your date chooses
d. Silent Night, Deadly Night
8. In your opinion, the 1964 TV special Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is really about:
a. How Christmas makes everybody happy
b. How people who are “different” can actually be the best people of all
c. Wait, isn’t it about a misfit reindeer who saves Christmas?
d. The foundation of the State of Israel. Think about it: A child with a big nose is shunned by a community that’s obsessed with a Christian day of worship. He is ostracized no matter where he goes, but with the help of his dentist friend Hermie (a WAY Semitic-sounding name) visits a special place where other ostracized “people without a country” feel safe. Ultimately, the misfit toys (aka Jews) form a diaspora throughout the world, while “King Moonracer” (a Lion and allegorical Messiah, the same as in the Narnia stories) stays behind, not yet entering the world he is to save. BOOM! Rudolph is about Israel and the Jews.
9. You get busy with your date (something that WhatsYourPrice doesn’t recommend on a first date, but hey, it’s your date) and when you’re snuggling in bed afterward, you say:
a.“You’re the sugar plum I’m going to dream of tonight.”
b. “Glad I opened my present early.”
c. “I hope I didn’t ruin your holiday.”
d. “Hey, text me later. I’m like Santa—I come on Christmas and then leave.”
10. In your opinion, the ideal present from your date would be:
a. Something you two can use together, like a board game or tandem bicycle
b. Something you two can use together, like lube
c. Whatever s/he would like to go give you would be what you want
d. Her hot friend coming over and having a threeway with you guys on New Year’s.
Give yourself 3 points for every “A” answer, 2 for every “B,” 1 for every “C,” and 0 plus a stocking full of coal for each “D” answer.
23‒30 points: You have the true and romantic Christmas spirit. You believe the holidays are magical and can hardly wait for them every year. Taking out a date on Christmas is a dream come true, sparkling like a candy cane and sweet like an entirely different second candy cane.
15‒22 points: You have a realistic but positive view of Christmas. You believe the holidays are the best time to start a new romance. Going on a “holidate” is a great way to combine the best of everything.
7‒14 points: You are incredibly wishy-washy about Christmas. You believe the holidays are something to be gotten through without making anyone angry at you. You’d be happiest if you could skip them altogether, but you think a date is a fun way to distract yourself if you can just avoid making them upset as well.
0‒6 points: You are not a fan of the holidays. You think Scrooge was being sensible for most of A Christmas Carol and that strip clubs not being open on Christmas is a bunch of crap. You tend to drink too much at holiday parties and frequently wake up on the 26th face-down in a slushy alley, not knowing how you got there. Still, a fun date is a fun date—so here’s to finding a partner with the same cynical, bitter Christmas mindset!